// What being aro/ace means to me

I don't remember how I came across the concept of aromanticism or asexuality. What I do remember is that I had a harder time adopting the label of "aromantic" compared to "asexual" because it felt so much more nebulous. While both took me a lot of soul-searching, when it comes to asexuality, eventually I recognized clearly that I've never experienced sexual attraction towards anyone. I've never saw someone and go "wow I sure would love to have sexual intercourse with them". Even if I try to conjure up a fantasy of sexual intimacy involving myself and another person, I literally cannot imagine it in my head; my mind goes blank and spits back a 404 Not Found page.

Aromanticism, on the other hand, not so cut-and-dried. Even now I'm still like "I'm probably aromantic...?" with a 95% certainty. The thing is, I experience so, so much non-sexual attractions! But are any of them romantic attractions? ... No?? I don't think so?? Ever since I began questioning my romantic orientation/sexuality, I became keenly aware that I have felt and continues to experience a particular "pull" towards specific people. I'd describe the feeling as an attraction, yes, but it's most definitely not sexual in nature (see the #Tertiary Attraction section for more details). The hard part is determining if it's romantic. If you experience romantic attraction towards someone, you would probably want to be in a romantic relationship with that person, right? You see, the thing is, I don't know what it means to be in a romantic relationship. I genuinely have no idea. Theoretically, I know the things you would do in a romantic relationship: calling/texting your partner frequently, going on dates, getting each other gifts as a romantic gesture and sign of affection, engaging in physical (but not necessarily sexual) intimacy like hugging or kissing... the list goes on. Yet, something about this just don't make sense to me conceptually!! I speak on all of this from an entirely third-person, outsider perspective. I think it's precisely due to my lack of romantic attraction that I cannot even begin to fathom what it would be like to be in a romantic relationship myself. The basis of all romantic relationships is romantic attraction. What does it feel like to be romantically attracted to someone? I don't knowwww. I really don't. So yeah I'm probably aromantic lol.

It took me about a year to fully come to terms with the fact that I'm most likely aroace. Unlike a lot of aros and aces, I didn't feel the immediate "click" upon finding the label. I never had the "oh shit this is me, I'm aro/ace, everything makes sense now" moment of sudden realization. It was a long time of questioning, trying to pick apart what I felt in my head. Eventually, the label felt right. Though I wouldn't necessarily say I "identify" as aroace. I just am the way I am, and aroace happens to be the language that best describes my experience.

// The questioning never ends!

The lack of attraction is so much more difficult to pin point than the opposite. I suppose I'll never know if I'm actually aroace, and that's fine. It's the label that currently best describes my lived experience, so I'll go with that. Maybe one day I'll suddenly feel an acute romantic attraction towards someone, at which point I'll be like "HOLY SHIT SO THIS IS WHAT ROMANTIC ATTRACTION IS." Or maybe that day will never come. Either way, I suppose I would probably still be end up somewhere on the aroace spectrum, lol.

// Microlabels are awesome, actually

There are lots of microlabels within the aro/ace spectrum. The two that I use are aegosexual and aegoromantic; I find them to be particularly useful in the context of evaluating the type of content I find myself enjoying, particularly when it comes to romance and shipping. Aro/ace for communicating with other people, and aego for myself (internal recognition). There's a debate to be had about whether or not microlabels are necessary. Personally, I think it's fine and harmless to have labels that describe specific experiences. I find solace in knowing that my experience is one shared by other people, common enough that someone eventually decided to put a name to it.

// Aegosexuality

Aegosexual: an individual who experiences a disconnect between oneself and the subject of arousal. Aegosexuals may experience arousal in response to erotica and enjoy sexual content, but they generally lack the desire to participate in the sexual activities or is otherwise unable to picture themself in the scenario. A common aegosexual experience is that when fantasizing about sex, the aegosexual individual is not involved; they may be an observer viewing it from a third-person perspective or through the perspective of another individual. (The Tumblr blog @aegosexual-moments has a pretty good list of "signs you might be aegosexual...")

Believe it or not, I discovered the concept of asexuality through a Detroit: Become Human Fan Film of the slash ship Reed900. I think I was watching one of the BTS videos and the producers were discussing about the decision to write Gavin Reed as an asexual character. I distinctively remember searching up what being asexual means and thinking to myself, "hmmm I might be aromantic, but I'm probably not asexual since I enjoy erotica." Couldn't have been more wrong lmao. Discovering the label of aegosexual was genuinely eye-opening for me, seeing that it basically matches my experience 1 to 1. Really puts into perspective for me that I am, indeed, very much asexual. Sure, I can find certain fictional characters to be physically/sexually desirable, but they're attractive in a general sense, not that I'm specifically attracted to the character. In other words: Yes, this character looks hot. No, I don't want to fuck them. My favorite fictional characters can go at it crazy style while I enjoy it from a God's eye view.

// Aegoromanticism

Aegoromantic: an individual who enjoy the concept of romance, but experiences a disconnect between oneself and the subject of romantic fantasies.

I LOVE LOVE!!! While I'm not into romance-centered media generally, I enjoy shipping quite a lot! I love being aegoromantic because I can live vicariously through my ships. Yesss I will eat up all these romantic scenarios. And the best part being that it doesn't involve me!! I think a big reason why aegoromantic as a term isn't as commonly used as aegosexual is because it's a lot harder to recognize. I imagine most people who enjoy romance simply never imagine themselves in the place of one of the characters haha.

Tertiary Attraction: an umbrella term which describes forms of attraction besides romantic and sexual attractions.

There's a bunch of sub-labels under the tertiary attraction umbrella, the ones that are particularly relevant to my experience are platonic, aesthetic, sensual, and alterous attraction. While these are not necessarily labels I use on myself, I find that they're helpful as categories when dissecting my experiences, since I *DO* experience attractions towards people. It's not romantic or sexual attraction, but a fucked up I-don't-even-know-what combination of the aforementioned tertiary attractions. When teenagers were getting crushes, I got... confused feelings. It's why once upon a time I thought I might be pansexual or omnisexual.

There has been a handful of people to whom I've felt the following:

• aesthetic attraction: an attraction to the way someone looks, or how they present themselves.
  • Sure sounds like a common experience, doesn't it? But the crazy thing is that for me this is a very distinct feeling, a desire strong enough that I'd describe it as an attraction. Plenty of times I look at celebrities or random strangers and go "wow they look gorgeous!" without experiencing this attraction.
  • Sometimes I don't know if I like my target of attraction, or if I want to be like them. There's probably a component of gender envy thrown in there.
  • I remember there was this one specific instance in high school where someone I never thought twice about came to school one day wearing a specific outfit, and immediately I was hit with "holy shit they look so good" aesthetic attraction, only for the attraction to fade away the next day.
• platonic attraction: an attraction that is defined as the desire to form a close platonic relationship (friendship) with a specific individual
  • Q. Isn't this just wanting to be friends with someone?
  • A. Yeah pretty much. I argue that everyone feels this way to some extent, it's just that as an aromantic individual, this desire can be amplified to an intensity that may be confused with romantic attraction.
  • For the longest time I thought I was straight and alloromantic because once in elementary school, there was a guy I really liked. We're friends but just not best friends; kids in my elementary took the concept of a BFF very seriously. One time me and my best friend at the time actually fought over the opportunity to stand next to him during the mandatory morning assembly and we both got very upset. Looking back it's pretty clear it was platonic attraction. I just really wanted to be friends with that guy LMAO. Even back then I didn't want to be in a relationship with him (as serious as a relationship can be for an elementary school kid, I suppose).
• Sensual Attraction: an attraction to another individual involving the senses, usually the sense of touch.
  • Ohhhhhh the strong desire to be physically intimate in a non-romantic and non-sexual way... Maybe I am a yearner...
  • I think I'd quite enjoy certain forms of physical affection: holding hands, hugging, cuddling, and laying my head down on someone's shoulder when I'm tired. Not that I've gotten much chances to do so.
  • See the thing is, I think I might just be touch starved? Perhaps I do desire sensual interaction in general, but my desires are usually directed toward a particular individual. I don't think I'm touch starved growing up, but my family aren't very affectionate people (we don't really do hugs). Idk how friend groups usually works but when I do stuff with my friends we don't really make like, physical contact. (Read more about my thoughts on non-romantic and non-sexual physical intimacy in the #Social Expectations section.)
• Alterous Attraction: an attraction to another individual involving the desire for emotional closeness that is not necessarily platonic or romantic in nature.
  • I seem to have an abundance of alterous attraction and it haunts me ughhhhhh. I've legit been baited by strong alterous attractions so many times that it had me seriously confused, only for the feelings to eventually calm down and fade away, becoming clear that it was not romantic attraction.
  • The attraction(s) I feel which are not romantic or sexual in nature kinda gets put on a label of alterous and call it good. Box it up and dissect it another day. Just kidding we're doing it NOW.
  • Emphasis on the emotional closeness part. Alterous attraction makes a person feel special to me. I want to get to know them better and care for them! I want to show them more of myself! But not in a sexual or romantic way!

What drives me insane is that I can feel some but not all of the above attractions towards particularly people, at varying degrees of intensity.

You might feel compelled to say that, aren't these just common experiences? Everyone like looking at beautiful people, and we all want to make friends. While that is true, what I had described above, I don't feel that way towards just anyone! It's an intense attraction almost like a crush, except I KNOW it's not a crush, so what the hell is it?? There is no one word to describe this mess. I used to be obsessed with dissecting my feelings, seeing what part of tertiary attraction they fall onto, but at some point I just gave up. Whatever it is that I'm feeling, who knows? I sure don't. It's not like I'm ever gonna act upon it anyway since my attraction eventually fades, so why even bother.

It's most definitely not sexual attraction because I've never once felt sexually attracted to anyone; no fictional characters, no celebrities, and ESPECIALLY not anyone I know in real life. Even towards my not-crushes crushes no sexual thoughts have ever crossed my mind. At the end of the day it's also probably not romantic. There's a scenario I use to test this: This person I'm attracted to, do I want to see them every day for the next 5 years? If the answer is no it's probably not romantic attraction, and the answer is always no. It's an agonizing cycle of Is this romantic attraction? → It's not → Realistically do I see myself in a typical romantic relationship with them? → No → So now I must suffer through the wait before the attraction inevitably fades. Crazy how now I can barely remember some of the people I was briefly infatuated with. Genuinely forgot some of them even existed until I started writing this post and had to actively recall.

Another thing that helps me distinguish my feelings as non-romantic is the absence of any physical reaction like blushing, butterflies in stomach, feeling flustered, or other reactions that people feel around their crush. Personally, I've never felt anything like it. The most I feel towards someone I'm attracted to is the happy thought of "oh it sure is nice to see that person right now/interact with them!" No butterflies in my stomach, no desire to roll into a ball, no giggling and kicking my feet in the air. I might smile a bit wider but that's it haha, I don't think my outward mannerisms are affected much.

// Everyone wants to date!

Growing up, one of the biggest sign that I was aro was that every time a family member would half-jokingly threaten that I better not date and instead focus on school first, I would always be like "of course, duh, I don't have the energy to date anyway." In a way I still feel the same. I've never encountered anyone I'd want to pursue a relationship with. A relationship requires a lot of effort which I simply can't be bothered to invest in because I fundamentally lack the attraction and motivation to maintain it.

I genuinely did not understand why it would so hard for someone to *not* date because I never felt romantic attraction nor the desire to be in a romantic relationship. I didn't know there was a certain "pull" that compelled people to want to be in a romantic relationship because I've never felt it. Story time: There was a family friend who has a daughter that is a couple of years older than me. Her relationship with her parents was strained because they strictly prohibited her from dating while in high school. One time, she told to me that she's been secretly dating someone, and was generally ranting to me about her parents' strict no-dating-before-college policy. While I sympathize with her and don't think her parent should've prohibited dating, I remember thinking to myself: "damn I can never do all this just to date someone, this is not worth the hassle." To some extent I still don't understand why someone would move mountains just to have a chance to be in a romantic relationship.

Similar thing with being ace. I read about people going to great length just to get laid, and I think so myself "how hard can it be to just not have sex lol." Well, turns out it's easy for me to say when I never experienced sexual attraction.

Being aroace is not realizing just how greatly people value romantic relationships. Dating is such a minor factor in my personal life that I sometimes forget how for many people, it's one of the most important things to consider. It's why some people care so much about what the dating scene is like at their desired colleges. The thing is though, it's not like I'm opposed to being in a relationship myself! Quite the opposite, actually. I think I'd like to be in a relationship one day, but it's not something I'm actively seeking out, y'know? (See more in the #Relationships section.)

// Being aroace is a freeing experience

When I look to my future, I don't really picture my life as having someone else in it. My dream house is a two-bedroom apartment where one room is my bedroom, while the other is reserved for my hobby (my dream is to have all sorts of arts and crafts materials). What's missing from this fantasy is a significant other. Honestly, I'm kinda glad that I'm aroace, because romantic and sexual attractions and the relationships that comes with it seems like such a baggage. I'm happy that I'm freed from such emotional burdens, and instead have more energy to focus on other things I love, like my hobbies. More time for myself and doing the things I like! Planning your life with someone else seems like such a big undertaking. I feel like being aro gives me a bigger sense of agency, in that whatever future plans I have — changing careers or moving to different cities — I wouldn't have to consider how my big life decisions would influence my non-existent significant other. If only I wasn't cursed to be a yearner for connection and affection...

// Physical affection but in a non-sexual and non-romantic way

Per Wikipedia, physical intimacy is sensuous proximity or touching. It is an expression of feelings (including close friendship, platonic love, romantic love, or sexual attraction) between people. Examples of physical intimacy include holding hands, hugging, kissing, caressing, and sexual activity.

While physical intimacy can be romantic or sexual, it doesn't have to be. I think most alloromantic and allosexual people use physical intimacy as a euphemism/synonym for sex, which is definitely not the way I use the term.

Here's a quote from a now-private youtube video on platonic physical intimacy between friends that I heavily relate to:

Some of the things that I sometimes want out of a platonic relationship are traditionally associated with romance. Sometimes I would be chilling with a friend that I'm very close with, and I just wanna like, y'know, play with their hair or hold their hand or do dumb physical intimacy things that are not/should not be considered inherently romantic of sexual. But, they are. So there's this weird stigma where I'm uncomfortable expressing myself in this way.

This is pretty much word for word how I feel. I *think* I'm a naturally affectionate person? I used to think that I don't really like physical contact with people (e.g., hugs), but I think I was just trying to convince myself that since it's not socially acceptable to do traditionally romantic things with friends, even if I don't consider them to be romantic. But then again, I could just be touch starved.

// Missing out?

The elephant in the room is that there is generally a societal expectation that one cannot live a happy and fulfilling life if they never marry and/or have kids. I disagree. That said, there are plenty of aroace people who choose to date and marry. That might be something I want eventually, too — to be in a long-term, committed relationship with a partner. But, I don't think my life will be any lesser if I don't have such relationships! I guess this has less to do with me being aro and more with my personal values haha. Lots of alloromantic people choose to stay single for one reason or another.

However, sometimes I do feel like I'm "missing out." I've never known romantic/sexual attraction and I likely never will. It does make me a little sad that something so significant to the majority of the population is something that I will never understand the true meaning of. Love drives people crazy! Make them stupid! It is magnificent and makes life worthwhile! Yet, it is something that I will never experience. I've made peace with it, though.

// The invisibility of aroace-ness

Me being aroace isn't really something that comes up in my daily life. I don't really "come out" to my friends, but me being aroace isn't something I'm hiding, either. Maybe once in while a conversation about relationship will come up and I'll be like "ok this is interesting because as someone who's aroace..." and the conversation continues. I'm fortunate enough that in real life, I'm mostly surrounded by queer people and allies, so my sexuality/orientation isn't something that gets contested on. Perks or being a college student in a big California university :P In any case, I think being aro/ace is relatively more invisible than other sexualities, in the sense that you're less likely going to be actively seeking a relationship, so your love life (or lack thereof) can't be easily perceived by other people.

The unfortunate reality is that the concepts of asexuality and aromanticism are entirely unheard of and unfathomable to the majority of the population. Try explaining being aroace to someone whose knowledge of LGBTQ+ is that gay people and trans people exist, high chance that they're gonna be bewildered and refuse to believe that it's a real thing. (Speaking from personal experience here.) I guess when romantic and sexual attraction are hard wired into you, it's hard to imagine why someone would not experience those things.

// PDA is odd

Being aromantic is an interesting experience. Since I don't feel romantic attraction, seeing public display of affection between couples feels odd, even uncomfortable sometimes. It's the recognition that the couple in front of me clearly have some kind of chemistry, some type of attraction going on which I don't experience and therefore can't comprehend. It's this lack of "something" that makes the experience odd. Like, logically I know that yeah these two people love each other romantically and it's romantic attraction they feel, but I don't — and can't — truly "get" it because I don't know what it feels like to love someone like that!! There's this weird disconnect between knowing that I'm seeing romantic attraction, but not being able to comprehend it.

// Apparently dating someone means you gotta talk to them every day

My roommate has a long-distance boyfriend who she calls every day for multiple hours, and every time I hear their conversation being all lovey-dovey, I can't help but be aware of just how aromantic I am lol. They do the whole "text me good morning" and "call me before you go to bed" thing, and I genuinely cannot wrap my head around it. I struggle to understand what compels someone to want to be with their partner 24/7.

Search up "Dating does not mean we have to talk everyday" on Twitter.com and you'll find a treasure trove of romantic relationship expectations. One of these hit tweets popped up on my timeline recently and it made me realize just how aroace I am that I fundamentally do not understand how a romantic relationship functions. WDYM most people are disagreeing with the OP??

"you guys just hate the people you date" "dating means I WANT to talk to you every day" "then what's the point of dating"

Dude. What. Does romantic attraction actually makes you want to talk to that special someone every single day? I can't imagine it; it sounds so emotionally exhausting. I haven't met someone that makes me feel this way I can tell you that.

// Flirting??

I don't think anyone has ever flirted with me. Come to think of it, the concept of flirting is just kinda absent from my social life in general. If anyone tried to flirt with me, well I sure as hell didn't recognize it lol. I can give you a long list of things someone could do as flirting, but it's all just theoretical knowledge. As with anything romance related, I can enjoy it and understand it in a fictional context well enough, but somehow can never grasp it in a real-life scenario.

// Celebrity crushes

I never had any celebrity crushes. I didn't even realize when people say they have a crush on a celebrity they genuinely meant that they feel romantic/sexual attraction towards them, and not just an expression for "I really like this celebrity."

It's a common misconception that aromanticism is about not desiring a romantic relationship. Rather, it's the lack of romantic attraction. Whether or not an aromantic person wants to be in a relationship is a personal choice. Some choose to date, many don't. Similar thing can be said about asexuality. An asexual person can experience little or no sexual attraction, but still have sex for a plethora of reasons. Maybe they do it because it's a form of emotional closeness with their romantic partner, or they simply enjoy the act of sex.

With the definition out of the way, here are my personal thoughts on being in relationships!

I think I like the idea of being in a relationship more than actually being in one. To care for someone and be cared for in return; to be each others' top priority... sure sounds lovely. It would be nice to have, but I think I'll live just fine without it. I don't think my life will be any less fulfilling if I never pursue a relationship, whatever that may look like.

The other day I came across this Reddit post and it kind of opened my third-eye.

My partner of 17 years just realized I'm Aro.

My husband and I have NEVER had a "normal" relationship. We're really just best friends and glorified roommates. The only thing we really do together these days that I don't do with my close sibling or other best friend, is that my husband and I give each other quick little smoochie kisses. I don't like extended kissing, but the smooches are fine. We present as a "typical" couple to the outside world, but at home we are basically just roommates that genuinely like each other. I love him dearly, but it's the exact same way I feel about, say, my mother. After 17 years together, he's more my family than anyone else is.

I recently found the word "queerplatonic" and I feel like it absolutely perfectly describes my relationship. But is it ok to describe a relationship with one's legal spouse that way? We mostly got married because of pressure from family, 10 years into our relationship. Neither of us even wear our wedding rings. It's not that we don't want to be married, it's just that I don't think that marriage means the same thing to us that it means to other couples.

Anyway, I just thought it was the absolute funniest thing ever that my husband was like, no you are definitely not aromantic. That doesn't even make sense. Then thought about it for half a second and immediately changed his mind.

This is lowkey my ideal relationship. Maybe one day I'll find someone like OP. Or maybe I won't. Yet deep down in my soul I crave connections with other humans.

... Aha, companionship! That's what I want!

This post was a massive brain dump. A culmination of me ruminating on aroace-related things for the past couple of years. I don't really know what to write as a conclusion to this post. After all, it's about my lived experience, which is ever changing. There's not really a "moral of the story" to be told here. I'm just one of many aroace voices floating around on the internet! To any aro/ace folks out there, hello! If you find any of what I've said relatable, I'm glad.

I'd like to end off with this image I really enjoy:

This is the philosophy I want to live by. Love has many forms. To love someone fundamentally as a person, and be loved back, is a nebulous, beautiful thing.