Hello! It's been a while since my last blog post. Life got hectic after school started back up again. I haven't had time to do much of anything, really, other than school work. But now I feel like I finally have some time to breath. So, this will be a life update on what I've been up to in the last month.

// Mid-College Crisis

As seen in a previous blog post, I had/am having a bit of a mid-college crisis. Nearing the halfway point of my second year of college, I started to question if my major is right for me. I seriously considered switching out of the school of engineering entirely and came to the conclusion that, unfortunately, I do not particularly care for engineering. While it certainly sounds cool to work on aircraft, spacecraft, and the likes, I've since realized that my passion for spaceflight has always been the "human" part—the history, the historical and political context in which these magnificent machines were built, and the people who built them. The engineering itself—all the technical details—never really clicked with me. I've watched my fair share of "how does a space shuttle work" type videos, but the information has always been one ear in and one ear out. "Maybe I'm just too stupid to understand how any of these work", I thought. "Maybe that's why I never cared enough to learn the differences between the old vs. new raptor engines, or what makes aerospikes to hated special." While I do think that's true to some extent, what's also true is that I never had the desire to learn engineering; learning about engineering itself never really excited me beyond the surface level "oh this is cool" feeling you get from watching an edutainment youtube video. Moving mechanisms make me feel dumb and numb.

Believe it or not, picking aerospace engineering as my major was an easy way out for me. It's a solid degree and I liked having a goal to work towards to. But the more I think about it, the solid path of engineering—of joining engineering clubs, applying to project teams, internships, networking—feels pointless and hollow. I know this is a path that many of my fellow engineering students are taking, have taken, and some excelled at. You put in all this work with the end goal of... what, exactly? Hoping that you'd break into the industry and end up with a job you actually like?

Is this the future I want? Is this my end goal? To be an engineer, to work in the aerospace industry?

I'm not sure.

Coincidentally, a friend of mine who's also an engineering major (Mech E specifically) is also having doubts about engineering. I share their fear of "how do I actually know engineering is or isn't for me without having the experience to decide." After some soul searching though, I don't see myself as a career engineer. For now, at least.

// So, what's next?

My tentative plan is to stick with Aerospace Engineering and graduate with the degree. I will not actively seek out any engineering project teams or internship opportunities. Instead, career opportunities-wise, I will be focusing my attention to my true passion: becoming an Archivist or a Librarian. The promise I made to myself (and my parents) is that, for the next two years, I will be trying to get as much volunteering or ideally internship experience in the field of library/archive work as much as possible. If after I graduate I would still like to pursue the career, I would then attend grad school and get a masters in MLIS while I work some odd job(s) to support my schooling. If else, I could always fall back to my engineering degree and pursue a career in something STEM-related.

On first thought this decision truly feels like it came out of nowhere. Up until this point I had never entertained the idea of me having a career and an archivist or a librarian, even though I know they are Real Jobs that very much exist, because it just seems so far-fetched. I won't get into the details of how I arrived at the conclusion that archival work is where my passion lays, but just know that I've always had a fascination with cataloging, collection of ephemera, digitization of physical media, and the preservation of history in general. These elements have always emerged in my interests here and there. Though perhaps I should address the elephant in the room:

This website is called Zemu's Archive and now you're telling me you want to be a real archivist??

Yeah. Perhaps I should've seen the signs lol. Truth be told, when I decided to name this website an archive, I truly did not think archivist would be a viable career path for me. May the spirit of Aligned continuity Orion Pax imbue me because on god I do not want to be an engineer.

I've started to put my tentative plans into motion, if only a tiny step at a time. I've officially added Archaeology as my minor and I have every intention of completing it. There are multiple reasons for this decision. First, I feel like I would genuinely go insane without any humanities classes the next two years (my Gen Eds are pretty much done). Second, I happen to have an interest in the topic, and the classes I could take to complete the minor seems interesting too. Last but not least, it's somewhat history-related and it feels good to have a background in Archaeology if I'm actually going to pursue a career in archival work. I've also started to poke around for some volunteering opportunities. Though what I've found so far isn't promising, the few people I've spoken to have been encouraging and the most passionate about what they do :] I knew going in that this will be a difficult field to break into and that employment opportunities are few and scarce especially in the current political climate, but I can't bring myself to regret the decision just yet.

Even if I haven't done much, the thought that I am pursuing this now instead of engineering, feels so, so freeing. It's scary, but I feel alive. I feel like I have something tangible to work towards to. Even if this is all a pipe dream, I feel like following this path couldn't be any worse than engineering.

Where would I end up in the next couple of years? Who knows! Guess we'll find out.

// My classes are lowkenuinely beating my ass

Err on another note, my classes this quarter has been actual hell. I severely screwed up my first math midterm even though I felt prepared for the material. Evidently, I was not. My professors for materials and circuits are so bad at teaching. At least for materials engineering, the textbook is pretty decent and I can learn how to do the homework problems from it. Circuits analysis is a whole 'nother beast. What we learn in lecture is most definitely NOT enough to do the homework and the textbook sucks balls. Our first midterm had an average of 69% and that was apparently higher than last year's average 💀 My chem lab is going alright all things considered and so is moral psychology, though there is a significant amount of reading every week for the latter. Next quarter there is no way in hell I'm taking 5 classes again. As much I wanted to take intro to archaeology next quarter, I'm pushing it to summer along with econ.

On a positive note, it's looking like next quarter I won't have any morning classes! Yay! My schedule this quarter also wasn't as bad as I thought it would be; I've been managing my time somewhat productively.

Some bad things that has happened in my life lately:

• Failed my first math quiz and first midterm so now I absolutely cannot screw up any further uh oh.
• Got sick for a week but it truly felt longer than that. Had a nasty cough so bad that I couldn't sleep well for a couple of days. Tested negative for covid, flu, and some other virus, so I think I was sick from stress.
• Stayed up until 4 am for like 4 days straight to study for my midterms which I barely passed.
• Stress. Lots of stress. From school work and from me procrastinating (when I didn't want to) and end up in a situation where I didn't have to stay up late if it wasn't for my procrastination.

Some good things that has happened in my life lately:

• My TFOne Megatron itabag got here and it is absolutely gorgeous!
• Ordered some custom merch from Wooacry and they got here too.
• Slowly got back into the hang of drawing after art block. Drew a few pieces that I really like how they turned out.
• Bought my first Blokees figure - galaxy wave 9 Megatron. Thank you eBay seller.
• Did my occasional Friday movie night ritual. Watched Baby Driver while drinking boba and snacking; it was a good time.
• Did a Valentine's Day trip traveling from my college back to my home town by public transit. On the way I stopped by a waffle place and had some delicious berries & cream waffles and also visited a local landmark.

In conclusion, I've been stressed. I still am stressed. But I'm hanging in there and I'll be alright, I think.